This post is my own thoughts about being a man, and what that means in this almost 2nd quarter of the 21st century. I’m not saying I have all the answers and I’m not saying you have to act a certain way to be valid. You do you. But if someone were to ask me what my thoughts on modern masculinity and the apparent ‘crisis’ within it, then I reckon this is where I’d start:
“It’s not as simple as it used to be” goes the lament, but it’s true. It’s not. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s not a bad thing at all. The simplicity that used to surround masculinity, like dodgy ’80s wood-chip wallpaper, hid a multitude of sins. Quite literally. It hid culturally accepted, widespread domestic violence. It hid sexual violence (in the UK, it only became illegal to rape someone you were married to in 1988), and a great many other tragedies besides.
Nineteen Eighty fucking Eight.
It also hid the frameworks and mechanisms by which Men and Women would be treated differently, paid differently and given different standards of everything from legal representation to healthcare. These aren’t opinions by the way, the reality of it is established and verified.
I was 9 in 1988
I grew up in a world where a Man could quite literally force his wife to have sex with him without fear of any form of consequence. Now, as a 9 year old I was ignorant of this, but the cultural soup in which my childhood mind and body formed was steeped in that reality. Films routinely displayed low level sexual aggression. Music videos displayed hyper-exaggerated misogyny, which only got worse through the 90’s. My sister and her friends where so accustomed to the inappropriate advances of older (much older in some cases) men, that they would talk to each other, quite openly and without any form of surprise or outrage, about which of the men from our village would try to touch them, and in which ways, when given the opportunity. There were many. This was normal.
We young lads heard this. It confirmed to us that this was just how one related to girls. Grabbing, unsolicited propositioning and all manner of harmful and traumatic behaviour was, then, considered to be okay. We didn’t even know the word ‘trauma’ could be used in a context outside of an ambulance. If you weren’t in the Army, you couldn’t really have PTSD. The list goes on.
We didn’t know what we didn’t know.
I should probably speak more personally here. It’s what I learned. I can’t speak for anyone else. Maybe other people had better access to familial role models (this would not be difficult). But given the still widespread outrage at the suggestion of male accountability, I think we can assume not.
I can however speak with some authority on the process of unlearning.
Boys will be boys
This is another tired old excuse, allowing bad behavior to go unchallenged because, essentially, it was being demonstrated by basically everyone.
So it was easier to just not.
Boys would be boys. Because they learned from example, like all humans, and men showed them how to be. So, the refrain really meant that Boys will be Men, and the Men are too set in their ways to be challenged. It still shows up. The legal system is awash with examples of where a woman’s right to autonomy and respect is denied or de-legitimised when balanced against the reputation of a man. TL:DR, a man’s reputation is more valuable than a woman’s safety or well-being. I know this isn’t the intention of such a reality, but it’s the result.
Thankfully, that is now being challenged. Not fast enough perhaps, but the ball is rolling and the momentum is building.
I should state at this point that this post is not about bashing men for being bastards. It’s not. But it is important to acknowledge the past and it’s failures, so that we can learn from them. We hear a lot about ‘Toxic Masculinity’ (a term I loath), so what does benign masculinity look like, in fact, fuck benign, what does positive, generative and HEALTHY masculinity look like?
Sadly for the aforementioned menfolk, the whole thing has changed without giving us any clue of what to change to. So, we now have a large proportion of the population with a sense of being somehow wrong without any instruction on what right looks like, or how to achieve it. And it’s a big ask. So I’m going to draw on some big influences. Here goes;
The start of a new way
The first step on the path before us, as it appears to me, is one that involves redefining, at least in the modern context, what it means to be ‘masculine’. I’m going to call to our attention at this point that the term ‘masculine’ should be separated from the assumption of ‘maleness’. By pinning behaviour patterns on a particular gender, we begin to exclude. This process needs to be the opposite of that. To that end, from here on in I’m going to be avoiding binary gendering wherever possible because, well, it’s easy for me to do and it helps a lot of people feel included. What’s not to like?
There. First example.
Positive masculinity seeks, first and foremost, to hold space. Not in the instagrammed cliche, wafting sage around or sat cross-legged on a bean bag with tissues at the ready, though it absolutely can look like that. But in the sense that to be in our masculine, we are seeking to demonstrate to those around us that they are safe with us. We are in charge of our ego, our actions and our words, and we take that seriously. “You’re safe here“, we’re saying. It doesn’t matter who you’re engaging with. Seek to reassure them that you are the master of your emotions and that people can show up with you as they are, and that that won’t phase you. That’s masculinity.
This concept is borrowing heavily from the Tantric concept of Shiva and Shakti, by the way; Shiva provides the conscious awareness that Shakti then uses to form and direct the energy that is herself (these aren’t binary human genders we’re referencing here, they’re the divine constructs and manifestations of both masculinity and femininity that exist within all beings. Even all matter, depending on your viewpoint). This is the cosmic dance that gives rise to our entire universe. Consciousness and Energy.
Sadly, we can’t just say we are a thing and then be a thing. Walking the walk is essential:
No one can be convinced that we are honorable and trustworthy. It’s not words that you say. It’s the way that you say things, the things that you do, and the way you react when things are said to you.
These things can, do and should include statements like ‘you did that wrong’ or “I’m angry at you”.
Lets leave aside the judgemental tone that’s coming at us there. It’s okay. people get challenged and sometimes they phrase things in activating ways. No biggie. We all do it. What matters is how we allow that to land with us.
The conscious masculine does not get triggered. Or at least it tries really hard not to, and when it is, it’s aware of it.
Criticism is inevitable. How you handle it is the thing.
Even if you do get triggered and say something reactive in response; fine. you’re human. Here’s the clincher;
We fix forward.
We acknowledge what’s been said. If that’s a judgement coming toward us, cool. Assess it. Calmly. Is there something we missed? could we have done, phrased or intonated something differently? If so, acknowledge it and integrate it. Learn from it. If not? Fine. Maybe this interaction needs some distance. Be polite and move on.
This is something called ‘Rupture and Repair’ and it’s the key to building a strong relationship; whether that be social, romantic or professional. If you can acknowledge your actions, take responsibility for them and seek to improve, that’s all anyone can ask of you.
Embody your masculine and be the change. Allow people to be themselves.
What exactly is ‘Holding Space’
If you’re coming to this post from somewhere other than the ‘wellness’ or spiritual worlds, there may be a chance that this term is somewhat misunderstood, so I’ll try to translate it into ‘bloke’;
That feeling we get that manifests as the need to take care of our loved ones, the thing that drives us to Crossfit or Martial Arts classes, that gnawing compulsion to ‘protect’ ourselves and our nearest and dearest, this is how the need (and it really is a visceral need) to hold space shows up in us. Holding space is not pandering to someones whims, it’s the desire and ability to protect, and as such, it’s deep in all of us. We have just hitherto labelled it or understood it differently, but this is what it is.
The confusion comes from our conditioning. Our society is 100% fear based. Fear is everywhere. It sells products, infects popular culture and oozes from every shining screen. Be afraid; the World tells you. So, as someone operating from our masculine as our first principal, we seek to protect. We are told that the best way to protect, by our cultural narrative, is to dominate. To be bigger, meaner and more familiar with the application of violence than those people of whom we are told to be afraid. Which is everyone. So, logically, the best way to do that is with aggression.
It’s why we have valued biceps and pectorals over emotional intimacy skills.
The trouble is, it misses a big part of the point. You see, by being a stronger, fitter, more violently capable individual, you are still no safer than you were before. As my old man sagely advised in my youth; “There’s always someone bigger and stronger mate, that’s just how it is. Never get involved with an unknown quantity”.
Good advice. Problem is, the whole world is an unknown quantity.
One of the first pieces of useful advice I received upon joining the Army was being told by a Corporal that; “Doesn’t matter how hard you are pal, when I hit you with a fire-extinguisher, you’re going down”. Also, very good advice, as well as a not-entirely-mildly threatening statement.
So, what does all that mean? That we should just give up and hide under the stairs? No. We just need to rethink our strategy. Because there is a workable mode of protection for us and our loved ones. And it’s way older than Jeet Kune Do.
Community.
If we take that desire to protect and instead of applying it to domination with a lubricating sheen of protein powders and gum-shields, we put that energy into learning how to create strong relationships, not only within our family but within our local community, then we build something far stronger than a muscle. We build a village.
We become a connected network of mutually supporting relationships, all of whom look out for one another. That’s real protection. Yeah, sure, sometimes we might need to defend ourselves physically, but these days it’s far more likely that we’ll need to fight off a polluting local chemical plant than a horde of Saxons or a mechanised invasion, but the community is still a better defense strategy there too. You wont achieve much hiding up a hill with a rifle and a grump. We’ll need to work together. So, just like you’d prepare at the gym for a fight, you need to prepare those skills ahead of time.
It’s worth noting here that taking care of your physical body is never a bad thing. The confidence and health benefits of physical training are well documented and feel bloody great. No-one is ever going to complain about defined abs, but, they aren’t the be all and end all. You are more than your body. You are more than your bench-press PB.
So Hold Space.
It’s not all on you
Now we’ve established a bit of an action plan for how we can aim to show up for other people, it bears emphasising that we deserve this too.
Masculine is nothing to do with ‘Man’. Ergo, feminine is nothing to do with ‘Woman’. That too is an energy that exists within every living being. and it is very far from ‘weak’, as the old cultural narrative would have us believe.
Every time you allow yourself to show up in your vulnerability, you are honoring the divine feminine within you. In everyday English, this is essentially saying that when you allow yourself the space to show your hurts, explain your emotional state and speak openly, rather than hiding behind an imprisoning armour-plated exterior facade, you hold space for yourself. If the people around you do not do the same, well, maybe this interaction needs some space too. Be polite and move on. If it’s an important relationship then try to come back to it, if not, well that’s your call. You are worthy of respect in all your aspects.
I would say that this is probably the crunchiest part of all of this. It’s certainly the part that I’ve agonised over writing the most; In order to do all this space holding and honoring of the various facets of our humanity stuff, we need to get to grips with, and understand that humanity. By this I’m talking about feelings.
I know. Bear with me…
One of the most fundamental aspects of this whole process is emotional literacy. Which is to say feeling your feelings. If you can’t hold space for your own sadness and fear, how are you going to recognise this in others? let alone hold them in it? There are no short-cuts here and it is by far the hardest part of this process. The mechanics of ‘Holding space’, i.e. practicing patience and respect, that’s just a matter of repetition and commitment. Anyone with a bit of time and some perseverance can do that. The thing here that quite literally separates the *Men from the Boys (figuratively speaking) is the messy business of feeling. And it is far from easy. Admitting to being afraid is one thing; owning the pain we may have caused, acknowledging the perhaps decades of compounded trauma that we may have played a part in… that doesn’t just sting, it rips out your viscera and turns you inside out. Into something new. I do not advocate doing that work alone. Seek help (remember the community part?). Go to a men’s group. Ideally one that has a sufficiently broad definition of ‘Men’ to challenge your preconceptions. Listen to people that are different from you. Hear them. Hold space for them. When sat in a circle, it’s not just the ‘leader’ who has responsibility there. Every single person around it does, and it is the crucible through which you will pass into the future version of yourself. Get a therapist if that works for you. But start Feeling.
One of the most important things that we are missing in our framework of positive masculinity is a rite of passage. The circles mentioned above form a vital part of that rite, but that’s a whole other blog post 😉
The last thing I’ll say on the matter (in this post anyway) is this;
We, as human beings, have a right to be treated with respect and dignity. YOU have that right, and so does everyone that interacts with you.
Modern masculinity is not about being a ‘New Man’. It’s about being a Human.